I haven't been blogging although this was a major goal for me. I have been in a tail spin recently. But now I need to write about this. Maybe someday, someone reading this will be helped a little. That is my hope.
October 20th, I went in for a colonoscopy because of general tummy aches that would not go away. I thought perhaps I was lactose intolerant. But as I am youngish, not yet 40, I never even dreamed that it might be something more serious.
They found a mass in my colon which the doc thought looked like cancer. They took the biopsy and sure enough, it was.
I don't know how you hear those words. Until then, being told "you have cancer" was my second worst fear. The doc said it was like having a bomb go off in the room. And it is. It is one of those horrible moments that time stands still and rushes forward as well, with a viscous, sticky, lurching. In your head you are trying desperately to listen, to make sense of the language, the words that people are saying to you, but nothing makes sense. All you can hear is the word cancer, cancer, cancer, ringing through your skull like a bell.
Then it was followed by two or three days of hospital and doctor visits. My new doc, Dr.Martin, was so positive. He told me that he was in the business of curing cancer. He explained everything so well and gave me just absolute confidence in him. On October 30th, I was scheduled for surgery.
During the ten days between diagnosis and surgery, I had to tell the staff at my school, and my students, my family and my friends. While you might think that would have been difficult everyone was so supportive and loving. I am truly blessed to live where I do, with all of the people I have surrounding me. I am almost too blessed. Those ten days have a party like atmosphere in my recollection.
But God has been holding me in his hand. Just cradling me next to his heart. At risk of sounding wacky, I could almost hear God's heartbeat during my day. I had no fear, none. I was being protected from pain, and fear. I am amazed at God's goodness. I am undeserving of being treated so.
October 30th, I went in for surgery which was totally successful. They got everything. It did not spread to my lymph nodes or anywhere beyond. I don't even have to have chemo. Now how amazing is that?
It has been a week now. I was in the hospital for 5 days and have been home now for two nights. I am walking and resting and able to do most everything that I could before. I get tired more easily, but I am sailing right through recovery. I will be right as rain soon. I will be able to go back to my beloved classroom in about a week, albeit half time until after Thanksgiving.
But the best thing is I have been CURED of cancer. I never thought that that was possible. I was under the delusion that once you had cancer, it could be arrested or put into remission, but never really left your system, But mine was cut out, biopsied, studied and now I hope thrown away or burned. It no longer exists.
So, two weeks ago, I was a cancer victim, but now, I am cancer free. I am too lucky. I am too blessed. There are so many other people out there with way worse cancers. People who are suffering and in pain. People who are lonely and scared.
I haven't yet decided what I need to do to help, but I am going to do something. I feel that I was given a great second chance, I need to make this world better while I am here. That has become an imperative.
So, I hope that you never have to hear the words that you fear the most, but strangely, once you hear them, and survive, then you realize how little there is left to fear. It is liberating and exhilarating.
May you be as blessed as I am.
